I've always been ok.
When I was broken, I was ok. I slipped on ice skiiing, caught an edge on the ice, broke a leg and then smashed into a tree. Running into the tree broke 6 ribs and collapsed my lung. I had lots of internal bleeding and had a bruised heart. I spent 5 days in the ICU and 15 days in the hospital, but I was ok. Even throughout the many months of recovery, I was ok. I'm not sure I'm ok now.
I got married some years ago. I loved her. Life was really good. I had everything I thought I had always wanted. The first years seems so good. I have really good memories of them. I remember some rocky times, but mostly I remember loving her and enjoying life. I was definitely ok and then some during that time. Somehow it all started getting worse. We spent too much time together? We wanted different things? She was unhappy with her job. I was unhappy with her? I don't know, but slowly I withdrew into myself and found outlets in other things and slowly she became more and more distant. I still loved her...maybe because I refused to acknowledge reality...she didn't love me any more. I think she didn't love me for over a year while we were still together. I was still ok though.
I wasn't ok for a while when the split occured, but that is reasonable enough. A transition like that causing some serious fucking with the mind. I was ok after for the most part for awhile, but maybe not.... Maybe not because I'm not sure I've really recovered. I'm definitely struggling to find meaning in life, work, people. Things were getting better. More friends, more confidence, but I think it's making the struggle all the more intense because I still can't find a point to it all. Life is so fucked up. I've dated a few women, but I don't feel connected. I'm the one who broke off all the relationships I've had, just as I'll soon break off the one I'm in. How can I not. Can I continue a relationship when I know they are falling more for me everyday, but my connection is nothing more than crate paper. I can walk away and break the connection and it is nothing. I'll miss the company, but my heart will be unnaffected. How can it be affected when it is unstirred.
Some day I'll love again. Some day I'll love again?
